I often get asked about what to say to children who have experienced loss so I thought it would be helpful to put some helpful hints and tips here passed to me by John W James and Russell Friedman. 
 
Do Go First. As the adult you’re the leader 
 
Do Tell the truth about how you feel. Telling the truth about your own grief and about how you feel will establish a tone of trust and make your child feel safe in opening up about his or her own feelings. 
It’s strange how our minds string seemingly unconnected thoughts together. I sure you’ve done it – suddenly wondered how you got to be thinking or talking about a particular topic and back tracked through a chain of thoughts to figure out where it started. 
 
This morning my trigger for this blog was a trailer for the 3D version of the Pixar film “Monsters Inc”. I already love this film. Spoiler Alert! If you haven’t seen it then you might want to stop reading here. It’s an amusing story of the Monsters that live under the bed and come out at night to scare children. In their world power is generated by capturing children’s screams. However, they eventually discover that laughter – happiness is a much more powerful energy source. 
I get asked this question quite often so I thought today would be a good idea to answer it. You see today is an anniversary. It is 6 years to the day since my much loved husband Kevin died following a short battle with skin cancer. I found The Grief Recovery Handbook in the year after he died and taking the actions detailed in the book was transformational. I think you already would have guessed I found it useful, after all here I am now running Grief Recovery UK! However did it mean I was instantly cured? No of course not. 
Is it possible to recover from grief? this blog answers the question
Last night I sat dumbfounded in front of the TV. I’m often frustrated by inaccurate portrayal of grief but the programme I saw last night seemingly wasn’t about grief, it was about bad practice at the nation’s biggest chain of funeral homes – The Co-op. 
I was with a friend last week who suddenly said to me, “ Carole you’re the best lemonade maker I know.” This caught me by surprise and I raised my eyebrows at her accordingly – after all we were sitting drinking tea on a very cold winter’s day. The last thing I’d been thinking of was lemonade. 
 
Seeing my quizzical look she explained – you know that expression “when life gives you lemons make lemonade” Well you always seem to be able to find the positive in any situation. That set me thinking. 
Yes it’s that time of year again. Christmas. Some of you reading this will be facing your first Christmas alone and wondering how on earth you’re going to cope. Others will be wondering how on earth they’re going to cope this time. 
 
Many people will noticing a person shaped hole in their heart many years after the loss. 
Saturday night is a time when I like to curl up on my sofa, dogs on my feet and be entertained, like many people in these tough times that means switching on the TV rather than going out and one of my current favourites is the programme “Merlin”. An amusing nonsense about the young wizard and a young King Arthur, generally there’s a moral about doing the right thing but it’s fairly light handed. This week though, there was a moment near the end that I found really profound. If you haven’t seen it yet and want to – stop reading now! 
In the last post I talked about one of the myths about Grief, the idea that time heals. This time I thought I’d share a question we get asked regularly at Grief Recovery this from Sharon is typical: 
 
“Do we ever really “recover”? It is almost four years since I lost my husband to liver disease. The holidays are still difficult to bear. He would have just had a birthday on which I did not have a good day. I can’t celebrate my birthday anymore as he died on this day. Don’t we just deal with it more so than recover from it?” 
 
Our Reply: 
One of the first things I heard said to me after my husband died was “time is a great healer”. I was always struck dumb by this comment – I found the idea that I had to wait for time to come and fix me odd even though I’ve been hearing that assertion for years. 
 
Then by chance I came across the Grief Recovery Handbook by John James and Russell Friedman and suddenly here was someone talking sense! 

Tags