Is grief really the “price of love”? 
 
There have been many positive developments in the dialogue people are having about grief in recent years. This is an improvement from earlier times when grief was only discussed in private or not at all. 
 
The increase in discussion around the topic unfortunately does not mean that misinformation surrounding grief ceases to exist. In fact, the wealth of information at our fingertips and the speed at which material is shared on the internet mean that misinformation tends to spread more quickly than ever before. Since this can contribute to the isolation of grievers and eventually lead to unresolved grief, we think it is important to continue spreading awareness of the myths surrounding loss and bereavement. 
grief, bereavement
Whether it be to a new home, a new school, or to a different country, all of us will have moved at some point in our lives. 
 
Many moves happen during childhood, when young families expand and build homes, experience a job transfer, or find a better suited school for their children. Well-meaning parents, anticipating that the move may be difficult, scary or painful for their child, try to ward off any negative feelings by making positive, hopeful statements. 
 
Alone on your birthday? Valentine’s Day? New Year's Eve? 
 
Some special days and events are powerful reminders of the fact that someone very important is missing from our life. Valentine's Day, like birthdays and anniversaries, is one of those very special days that can create an immense amount of painful emotional energy. 
 
For those of us who have lost a partner, are looking for love, are divorced, or may not have the relationship of our dreams, the flood of images and sentimental relationship posts on social media may be overwhelming and exacerbate our feelings of loneliness. 
You didn’t get that job. 
They didn’t accept your offer on the house. 
 
You may regard these disappointments as “just a part of life”. Nevertheless, they can still affect us deeply. We may ask ourselves why we’re so bothered about something we never really had in the first place. Why is that? Why can’t we get over it? 
 
This weekend mothers all over the UK will be receiving gifts from their children and partners to celebrate motherhood. We would like to look at the holiday from a less common perspective, acknowledging those who may be experiencing more painful emotions than happy ones on Mothering Sunday. 
 
Some of us may find this occasion difficult to celebrate because we have never been able to experience motherhood even though it has been one of our hopes and dreams. 
 
Others may struggle with this day because motherhood has not been everything they expected it to be. 
When you speak to people, do you minimise your heartaches? 
 
“I know I should be grateful, but…” 
 
“I know it could be worse, but...” 
 
“I know I haven’t really lost anything, but...” 
 
It seems universal that we downplay the struggles in our lives because we are taught to be grateful, stay positive, or that someone always has it worse than we do. We see it every day in our Grief Recovery programmes – people who are grieving but aren’t giving themselves permission to grieve. 
To say that people are uncomfortable with emotions such as sadness, rage or fear – especially after a personal loss – is an understatement. 
 
Sit back for a moment and think about the times in your life when you were feeling sad and tried to talk about those feelings with others. On a few occasions your friend or family member may have simply listened without analysis, criticism or judgement. More often than not, however, you may have received one of the following responses:- 
I remember vividly within days of my husband Kevin dying being asked about his stuff. Honestly! You would imagine that there would be a whole host of other topics people would ask about before this, but no. Everyone wanted to know "have you done anything about the clothes yet?" 
If you are reading this and grieving yourself I bet you will have immediately noticed that these possessions which sat next to his skin have been de-personalised. THE clothes, not his clothes. "The Clothes", as if they are wild animals which left untamed & uncaptured will riot around the house (ie your life) out of control.  
So having lived this, discussed this with dozens of other grieving people and read hundreds of accounts of dealing with these wild beasties here is my suggested way to go about it:  
Clothes after a bereavement
 
Whether you always made a big deal of Father’s Day or it barely raised a mention in your household there is no doubt that this year it will feel like it’s everywhere and unrelenting.  
 
Continual reminders of the life you no longer have, rubbing salt into your wounded heart. 
 
Unfortunately, however much you want to put your head under the duvet and not come out until Tuesday you can’t. You have to continue to be both parents to your kids who also are being bombarded with images of kids playing or bonding with their Dad’s. So what can you do to get through this as best you can? 
 
1) Make it a team effort 
Talk to your kids ahead of time to discuss what they’d like to do to mark the day or not mark it at all. Be sure to let them air their ideas and show them you have listened equally you have your say too – if something is going to be too difficult for you it is OK to say so. 
Father and child in the sunset
 
Age is not a factor here, as in it doesn't matter how old you are. 
If your Dad has died Father’s Day sucks. Yes I know that is an American phrase but it’s one that I think says it all really succinctly without swearing. 
 
If you are a Dad whose child has died Father’s Day sucks. 
 
If you are a Dad whose child has run away or gone missing Father’s Day sucks. 
 
If you are a Mum whose husband has died Father’s Day sucks. 
dad with child

Tags

Our site uses cookies. For more information, see our cookie policy. ACCEPT COOKIES MANAGE SETTINGS